This is just a complaint. Ignore it.

Yesterday I was supposed to give a talk to my girls club about friendship. I have given and listened to similar talks dozens of times. Everything was all wrong. I don't know what's wrong with it. Or if it's me. It was a good talk. I spent all week working on it. Mom read it and did not see any problem with it. Clara (my sisters who is fifteen) read it for me and liked it allot. That was really encouraging cause she can be a pretty tough one to please. She said that if she was a ten year old hearing the talk she would be greatly encouraged. So all was well. This meeting was on friendship because we were expecting some new girls and when ever someone new comes to the club we like to give them a picture of how our club is different from others. e.g. we are not an exclusive clique but a group of girls trying to bring each other closer to Christ. So anyway, after I sent out schedules to all the girls who had ever come to a meeting and a bunch more who said they were interested, a total of four girls showed. Now I wonder if the schedules got sent to the new girls. I had filled out the envelops but mom sent them off. I wonder if she did not send the ones that were not all the way filled out. There were some that were missing a zip code cause I was interrupted or needed to look for the address in a different list. That would certainly explain why no one showed. I don't think it would have made the meeting any more successful though. In any case the four girls who came must have needed to be there. God knows. So we all sat down in my living room and said our prayers and read a passage in the gospel and meditated on that for a while. We were talking about the two greatest commandments and I asked them what they though loving God with all your strength meant. One of the older girls got it right away. In so many words she stole my explanation: Using your physical strength for Gods glory or to serve others in Gods name is loving God with all your strength. So that was cool. We had and nice little discussion on that. Then it went down hill. Clara was part of the problem. First, one of the girls brought her little brother. He had a little toy car that was broken some how and Clara is exactly the sort of girl who can't walk by a broken toy, especially not a car, without trying to fix it. So she was over on the other side of the room giving a detailed commentary of what was wrong with the car while I was trying to talk. The girl next to her would double over laughing every once in a while. It was really distracting. I don't know what happened to the talk or if it was just my lack of skill in giving a talk. It was really good on paper, or at least I thought so. But out loud it was really boring and disorganized. I think it was mostly me. I had to reiterate myself a bunch of times cause Clara was so distracting and my points weren't connected in any logical fashion. The girls kind of drooled through it. Only God can know if they got anything out of it but I felt like I was wasting their time. My resolution was not concrete enough. The activity was to vague also. I think part of the problem is the was my living room is set up. That seems odd but it's true. I was sitting on the hope chest at one end of the room with Clara and her friend on the opposite end. The other girls were siting along either wall. I have a mental block about making eye contact with people for some reason. I tend to stare off into space when I'm talking to some one. I stared at the carpet for most of the talk. Every now and then I looked up at the two girls on the other end of the room. But it was really hard to look over at the girls on the couch. I need to find a way to arrange our little living room so that all the girls are sitting together and I can face them. That might get them more involved. Yes it would. It's really pointless to talk about being open to new friends and not closing people out when I am practically acting like there is only two other people in the room. Stupid. Okay I guess I'm done ranting now. I can't really know how much of a failure I was and I don't need to. I need to just let it go. Even if I'm no good at giving talks, I'm here doing it and no one else is stepping up to take over so I guess God must want me here. He will have to take care of the drooling girls. In my weakness He is strong, right? I hope next week goes a little better. Maybe it will be sunny and we can go out in my back yard or up in the playhouse. That would be easier. I need a new way of writing talks. Mom suggested that I just give them a topic to talk about and kind of guide the conversation to the points I want to make. That might be a good idea, I will have to try it. Next week I have the older girls (assuming they show up). This summer I am trying to get one of them to put me out of my misery and lead the younger girls. I am supposed to talk to them about a leaders relationship with God. That would be allot easier to talk with them about rather than talking to them (or at them) I am not a good person to be lecturing any one on prayer. I'm such a novice in that sort of thing. Zita of the three second attention span and no will power. Alright, I'm really shutting up now. If you wander into my mind you are going to have to deal with pointless rants like this.