St. Zita's Project

A few weeks ago, my room mate Bernadette asked me if I wanted to go on retreat with her. The Sisters of Mary Mother of the Eucharist have very successful discernment retreats a few times a year. Retreats "throw off my groove," which is probably the point. I don't like strangers, I don't like big groups of people, I don't like being away from home. But when Bernadette asked if I wanted to go, I said yes. I made myself do it, because I wanted to say no. It was a deny-yourself-take-up-your-cross-and-follow moment.

So I found myself on this retreat. I just prayed that I would be open and not over think things.
Some things helped; like the impressive spiritual maturity of the other young women. I say women, but most of them were girls; young teens who behaved like women. They were all their to pray. That was really a blessing because I didn't want to talk with any of them. I was there to pray.
Bernadette, however, was also a blessing because we could just be friends all weekend in that delightful open way that does not distract from our deepening friendship with Christ. Also, Martha, the younger sister of my friend Paul was there, and for some reason that was special. I tend to adopt my friend's families very readily.

One of the first things that happened was that the Sister at the door asked me if I wanted to "talk to Sister Joseph Andrews." Just the threat of having to talk kept me focused. I had a list in my journal of questions I wanted to ask her about religious life, vocation discernment, and her order specifically. I wanted to play along. I figured, if I felt a call to religious life, these are the questions I would have. I just prayed for the grace to understand what God wants from me. And I entertained the idea that this order might be it

I had a peaceful, prayerful, sleep deprived weekend, but I didn't walk away with an answer. I was waiting for God to say "I'm sending you a man" or "marry me!"

Not getting an answer of that kind was alright with me. It would be too easy and fast for God to just hand me the answer in one weekend. I hadn't earned it with years of fervent prayer. So I left with the resolution to pray more deeply, more fervently before the Blessed Sacrament. Maybe if I dig deep enough in a prayer life, awakening these parts of my heart that have lain dormant in apathy, God will bring to light a passionate, burning desire to be His spouse, or to be a biological mother.

Do you see how this works? I keep pretending, or trying to produce that feeling of being called.

This morning God told me that I'm not called. Not to marriage and not to religious life. Not now, maybe not ever.

When I got home, Liz handed me a paper that someone had given her on the single life as a vocation. I took it rather grudgingly. The first part was all about loneliness.
I've always assumed that the single life was a transition vocations. My vocation right now is to be single. But eventually, God will let me know what he really wants for me. I'll get my real call when I am ready for it.
The other thing about the single life is that it is such a secular American ideal. You are free to do many things that are impossible when you have a family.  You put together your life style just the way you want it, like a facebook page. This has always been attractive to me. But I recognize it as a temptation. It's just selfishness. There is no one to serve, no one to sacrifice for, no "till death" vow of self giving, no mother superior to obey. Whose feet will I wash?

So I didn't really want to read it. But I said yes to that by putting it in my back pack and pulling it out during lunch. One phrase caught my eye:

"For whose salvation will you walk alone."

I may not be any more lonely than the average woman, but I do have to recognize that living alone is a cross. Not having those burdensome people to sacrifice for is actually a challenge and a suffering.
I read a little here and there until nearly the last page. "The Jubilee Day for Single Persons" said the top of the page. I mentally rolled my eyes at it. Is this another form of Single Awareness Day, or Loneliness Awareness Day, or Chocolate Appreciation Day, or all those other things people who don't have dates call Valentines Day.
But in the bottom right corner there was a thick black line with the words


"St. Zita - April 27"    

St. Zita was single!

I knew that. She's not a religious. She's not married. She was a servant for a family basically her whole life. She never left the world, she never married and raised a family. She had a vocation to single life.

I can be a saint without a vocation to marriage or religious life!

I read that page. It pretty much described the kind of holy lifestyle I would like to live. I never felt a call because Christ wasn't calling me to be a nun or a wife. What I do have a desire for is to dedicate my life to art. To translate the beauty of God's truth into music and art and especially stories. To reach people the way my heroes  Brian Jacques, Lloyd Alexander, Rosemary Sutcliff, C. S. Lewis and Tolkien do. I have always been frustrated because the married life lived well doesn't allow that. And very few orders that I know of allow for that. But that is my desire and the way I long to serve God and others.
St. Zita was a blessing and a gift to everyone around her, and she didn't belong to any of them; not to an order, not to her family, not to the people she worked for, just to God.

There is real sacrifice, and real service, and real holiness in this vocation. It was a great relief to know that I didn't have to worry any more. I don't have to look for men, and I don't have to research religious communities. If God does want this to be a transition, he will drop something in my lap and give me the grace to say yes. But I have already said yes and am living a vocation that has everything I have ever wanted or needed to bring me to heaven.